Foreword: I remember publishing some prose by the same name. What follows is a poem based on the same idea. But the poem seems to have a mystical attire to it. The last 2 lines of this poem were written before the rest of the poem and that was quite a few weeks before I wrote the full poem. And it is the last two lines which are some friends favorite lines. I wonder if that means the rest of the poem is not good at all…
The Malcontentment Circle
Becoming a dervish whirling in a blissful peaceful trance is what I sought, what I sought
In a web of never-ending superficial zeals am I caught, am I caught
To make both sides lose a never-ending war isn’t why we fought, why we fought
Need not for this ‘ache-medal incised beneath the chest’ we got, we got
So after all the quests, we roam in a devilish circle, the malcontentment circle
Calling it a miracle; thinking it would be blissful, it would be blissful
All these needs and wants of this breed and creed, this breed and creed
How to kill this seed and how not to feed our greed, feed our greed?
When stuck in a circle, it doesn’t matter if you succeed, if you succeed
This kneeled fast speed and fake glory-bleed – doesn’t it make you feel emptied, feel emptied?
Such a sham but agonizing state… how do you narrate, just how could you narrate?
When, like an octopus around your neck, the successes suffocate, the successes suffocate
In such a shaby rush, there are no right ways, there are no wrong ways
Like a dancing, loving blessing… the trap just sways, the trap just sways
All those goals making you a slave to this dark hole, this dark hole
Let’s leave all this cajole, set on fire thy false soul, thy false soul
Those ache-medals we gave each other, burn them all with no remorse, with no remorse
Disowning these hurdles, fly away from this course, fly above this course
For, who knows… from the rusted coffins of this utter gloom, this utter gloom
Melancholic phoenix of true joy may bloom, serene joy may bloom
Filed under: My Poems , Dervish, dissatisfaction, Melancholy, Mystical, phoenix, weakening zeal
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Ohkay. For me, I don’t like the repetition, it sounds too lyrical to me and unless you’re writing a song, it doesn’t work for poems either. At least not for me.
So for me, this was much weaker. The insistence to rhyme for instance, did more harm than good. I hear your message and it’s a good one, but it’s not everything in a poem. The style and presentation matters a great deal when you’re writing, that is in fact, what writing is almost entirely about. Anyone can have a good idea; what separates the writers from everyone else, however, is the way it’s presented.
Again, I’d ask you to swing this by the boards (but in a few days; our head poet is currently on leave writing her last 10 posts as poems, a tradition that’s developed on the Lounge) so you can understand where the weakness in this piece lies. But for me, though the message is great and it is, it hasn’t been presented appropriately at all and may, in effect, require a rewrite altogether but we all know first drafts aren’t the final drafts by a mile!
Hi mp, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate every word of it.
I agree that style and presentation is of primary importance. The lyrical style was intended to improve look an feel (read: presentation) of the poem… but of course it didn’t work through; at least for you.
Do you think this writing, which you thankfully went through upon my request, does or would sound good as a song?
The poem is profound and intricate in meaning and style. But I actually value the meaning/hidden subtleties than face value presentation. But form does matter to some degree. But I can’t talk–my writings are amateur next to this!
I like:
“All those goals making you a slave to this dark hole, this dark hole/Let’s leave all this cajole, set on fire thy false soul, thy false soul”
(And the whole poem)
Thanks for sharing it!
@faith786: thanks a lot..
I am glad you liked it
Okay, I really don’t want to sound like the buzz-killer here, but there are a few grammatical flaws brought about by the absolute need to rhyme. For instance, the line pointed out by the poster above me: “Let’s leave all this cajole”, makes no sense. You cajole someone or something; it is a verb, not a noun and can’t be used as one either.
Additionally, this line here: “This kneeled fast speed and fake glory-bleed” doesn’t make sense either. It needs to be rephrased and restructured. The repetition and the rhyming is extremely jarring for me, but whether it could work as a song…yes, I suppose it could.
Two cents from an apologetic writer, not a poet.
In poems, poets can use literary license to bend grammar a bit. If you read ‘To Paint a Water Lily,’ by Ted Hughes, throughout the poem he uses nouns as verbs (i.e. ‘bullets by’). That is the beauty of poetry–you make the rules.
But the ‘fake glory-bleed’ is a little hard to get. Can you explain the metaphor? Thanks!
Thats right…
Fake glory-bleed doesn’t make sense…
what i meant was that the wordly glories are fake and thus while we continue to feel as if we enjoy all these glories… we are bleeding inside due to the after-effects of relying on such fake idols…
I wonder if I should the metaphor`? the words don’t relate to the meaning I wanted to convey… or do they?
With all due respect, Faith786, I don’t think “Let’s leave all this cajole” makes sense. And as for Hughes and that specific quotation (“bullets by”), that makes sense. Everything in context makes sense. This doesn’t. I stand by what I said earlier.
I would still suggest a rephrase but as the poet, Irfan, it’s entirely up to you. : )
Well I would like to make use of my poetic license for the time being
.
But thanks anyways both of you. Chill up… Its my bday today…
Happy bday to me
Happy Birthday. Nice day to have it–during break.
I like the idea of repeating the ending phrase into the next line. I might try doing it in a poem soon!